Recently I’ve started focus on our consulting business and my upcoming cookbook! I felt so guilty everyday and night to take away time from my baby. Even though I was working from the home office, where Yaseen always sat beside me with TV-babysitting, I felt so selfish when I look at him.
2 days ago when I was working on the computer, he managed to climb up the kitchen-top and play with Green chicken curry I made for lunch. He burned his hand, and I felt like… that’s it! I stopped working, and I took him out for a walk.
“Can’t I have it all? Work and also raise my own son in the most wonderful environment?” I thought while chasing him who ran so fast with chocolate ice-cream in his hand. My house was a mess since my sister went back to Thailand. I felt like a desperate housewife. Looking at other moms who made it looked so easy; I was so disappointed at myself.
I talked to Sadik and we decided to ask my sister to come back to help us out. But I knew it’s not gonna be enough, and that I would not be able to feel peaceful if I didn’t come up with the schedule that I could do both things perfectly.
Yesterday I got up early and worked for a few hours, after that we had a lot of fun playing hide and seek. When I worked again, I let he be apart of it. I gave him a pen and paper to work on his own stuff. I sat with him and watched his favourite programs with the laptop on my laps. I’ve learned that Yaseen doesn’t want me to play with him all the time. He just wants to feel that I am there for him and he wants to be included in any activities I do. So now we end up be each other working partner, be good a companion, and be a good friend. Moreover I feel less guilty whenever I start working, and when I look at him, I don’t think I am selfish any more….I’m just a mom… a first time mom…. I am a pretty good mom.